Hold on, I'm using this blog to post about my thoughts that aren't horrifically nerdy.
Shit, this can only mean one thing.
Quasi, demi emo post coming up.
I apologise profusely, so so profusely.
So as many (read all) of the people who read my blog will know I didn't get into Cambridge.
I'm fine with this, I wasn't good enough on the day, I didn't get in, simple story really. Yet over the past few weeks something's been eating at me and it isn't that metroid I released earlier. I finally understood this today when, 4 days before my statistics exam, having got 63% in an FP (further pure) 1 mock with the real exam in a mere 2 weeks, I just stopped working. I know from all the years of exam cramming I've done that this is when I'm meant to be working my hardest. But I just stopped. I didn't just stop working, I just stopped giving a crap any more.
I just sat there and asked myself why I was doing all of this.
I then played WoW and WC3 for about 4 hours because this question was difficult.
Then I thought about it again. I concluded very simply that I now have no incentive to do any work for the rest of the year. For the 11 years I've been in Kings before exams I killed myself at exam time working as hard as possible and for what? In the end, the goal was to get into Oxbridge which I failed at magnificently.
What's the point in working hard any more? The max offer I'm likely to get is 3 As. I already have one, need 60% in economics for another and need 70% in either maths or chemistry for the last. To put this in perspective my entire life I've been brought up to think that below 70% is a failure. I sound like an arrogant shit, but my parents are Asian, this is the belief they've instilled in my very being. Yet if I work the way I have been doing I'll fall short of even these.
What's really eating me up is that I know full well that what I'm thinking is wrong. I should work hard no matter what if only for my own peace of mind. But I just feel such apathy. I already worked hard, I already proved time and again that I can live up to my own expectations, go beyond them if need be. I don't need to prove it to myself again. Whatever drive I had there just seems to have evaporated and I feel I've got no incentive to work, even though I know I have to.
So to conclude. When I think over things logically I have nothing to be upset about, nothing that I haven't resolved or thought about. Yet, I've just stopped caring and working, even though I know full well that it's wrong and bad for me to do that. For once in my life I've found a problem that video games aren't going solve, ignoring isn't going to make go away and I'm rather confused. Frankly I don't like it.
Once again, I apologise for the general emoness of the post. Venting like this might help me understand what's going on in this stupid little head of mine.
Flame away!
Shit, this can only mean one thing.
Quasi, demi emo post coming up.
I apologise profusely, so so profusely.
So as many (read all) of the people who read my blog will know I didn't get into Cambridge.
I'm fine with this, I wasn't good enough on the day, I didn't get in, simple story really. Yet over the past few weeks something's been eating at me and it isn't that metroid I released earlier. I finally understood this today when, 4 days before my statistics exam, having got 63% in an FP (further pure) 1 mock with the real exam in a mere 2 weeks, I just stopped working. I know from all the years of exam cramming I've done that this is when I'm meant to be working my hardest. But I just stopped. I didn't just stop working, I just stopped giving a crap any more.
I just sat there and asked myself why I was doing all of this.
I then played WoW and WC3 for about 4 hours because this question was difficult.
Then I thought about it again. I concluded very simply that I now have no incentive to do any work for the rest of the year. For the 11 years I've been in Kings before exams I killed myself at exam time working as hard as possible and for what? In the end, the goal was to get into Oxbridge which I failed at magnificently.
What's the point in working hard any more? The max offer I'm likely to get is 3 As. I already have one, need 60% in economics for another and need 70% in either maths or chemistry for the last. To put this in perspective my entire life I've been brought up to think that below 70% is a failure. I sound like an arrogant shit, but my parents are Asian, this is the belief they've instilled in my very being. Yet if I work the way I have been doing I'll fall short of even these.
What's really eating me up is that I know full well that what I'm thinking is wrong. I should work hard no matter what if only for my own peace of mind. But I just feel such apathy. I already worked hard, I already proved time and again that I can live up to my own expectations, go beyond them if need be. I don't need to prove it to myself again. Whatever drive I had there just seems to have evaporated and I feel I've got no incentive to work, even though I know I have to.
So to conclude. When I think over things logically I have nothing to be upset about, nothing that I haven't resolved or thought about. Yet, I've just stopped caring and working, even though I know full well that it's wrong and bad for me to do that. For once in my life I've found a problem that video games aren't going solve, ignoring isn't going to make go away and I'm rather confused. Frankly I don't like it.
Once again, I apologise for the general emoness of the post. Venting like this might help me understand what's going on in this stupid little head of mine.
Flame away!
posted by Natural 20 at 12:51 am
1 Comments:
I can't sympathise with you on terms of not getting in to Oxbridge, but I can tell you that it's not all cuddly puppies getting one. Of course I feel that I haven't wasted the best part of 17 years of my life (despite the fact that I have) and also haven't let myself down, but I can just see myself letting myself down in the near future or possibly once there. To take a nerdy analogy, once you've broken a combo it's easier to deal with failures. I currently have a 15x multiplier that it is killing me not to lose... but I still can't work hard enough to assure I don't.
Sigh.
Fecking work.
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